


A Bovine Intruder

by buzzbuzz34



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Cows, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 21:27:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21515665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buzzbuzz34/pseuds/buzzbuzz34
Summary: A cow breaks into the safehouse while Jon and Martin are asleep.  They attempt to return it to its pasture, but the stubbornness of a cow is never to be taken lightly.  She is still a very good cow, though.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 14
Kudos: 97





	A Bovine Intruder

**Author's Note:**

> With tma winning best audio drama in the 2019 Discover Pods Awards, it seemed like as good a time as any to share this ridiculousness <3

“Jon?”

Jon grumbled into his pillow, desperate not to wake up.

“Jon?”

Martin called his name again, more insistent this time, more urgent. 

“What is it?” Jon hesitantly rolled over, but still didn’t open his eyes. 

“There’s a cow in the house.”

“You’re dreaming, Martin. Of course there’s not a cow in the house. Now go back to sleep.”

“ _Moooo_.”

Finally, Jon opened his eyes.

“You know? This might as well happen,” he said as he took in the sight of a brown, fluffy cow casually chewing on a book sat on the nighstand. 

“What do we do?” Martin gasped.

“We shoo it outside.”

“How?”

It had seemed evident until Martin questioned him about details. He continued to pull on his shoes and a jacket, then stepped out to further investigate the bovine intruder, with Martin close behind. 

Face to face with the cow, contentedly chewing on another page of Jon’s book, Jon realized he had no idea how to get rid of the cow. 

“Shoo,” he said authoritatively. “Leave. Go away.”

The cow continued to snack on the literature. 

“Did you really think that would work?” Martin asked through a yawn and a smile.

“Do you have any better ideas?”

“Maybe we can open the door and it’ll just… go back out?”

It seemed too simple, and it was. Both the front door and the bedroom door were already ajar from the initial break-in and the cow seemed none too interested in leaving the way it came when Jon held the door open for it to tromp back out. Nothing happened save for letting in another chilly gust of air.

“I’m going to push it.”

“That can’t possibly be a good idea.”

Martin shrugged, then leaned against the shoulder of the cow and gave it a good shove, hoping to turn it toward the open door. 

“ _Moooo_ ,” came the reply, and the cow shifted its weight slightly, but made no move toward the exit. Even with Martin using all his strength, the cow stayed put, only moving to grab another nibble from the book. 

“Maybe we can lure it outside with food?”

Martin stepped back from his struggle against bovine mass and stubbornness to give Jon a confused glance. “We don’t have a lot of food in here. We have pasta and canned beans. Somehow I don’t think those are high up on a cow’s diet. Oh, and a few statements, but I don’t think a cow understands the written word.”

Jon glanced around, trying to find something that could work, before dashing forward, snatching the half-eaten book from the table, and dangling it over the threshold. 

“ _Mooo_.” This was an angry moo, a disappointed moo. The cow trudged forward toward the book and, with Jon leading the way, was soon out of the bedroom and then outside of the safehouse, trying to nab the book from Jon’s hand. 

“Nice work!” Martin cried as he followed out the front door. “Now what?”

“What do you mean? I’m going to throw the book as far as I can and hope it doesn’t break back in.”

“This is probably a bad time to mention that I’ve always wanted a cow,” Martin said, a telltale smirk on his lips.

“ _Martin_.”

“Fine, fine. But we still have to take her back to her pasture,” Martin said. “We can’t just leave her all alone out here.”

“Okay, assuming that was at all our responsibility, we don’t even know where she belongs? Which pasture is hers? Its!” Jon asked. “There are a dozen farms on every side of us.”

Martin pondered for a moment, and then shrugged. “We can just… pick one?”

“How is that any better than just letting her go here and now?”

“She’ll at least be back with her own. And, besides, if she’s farther away, maybe she’ll be less likely to sneak back in and eat the house.”

Jon sighed. There was no way Martin would let this go, and he did have a point. Neither of them knew anything about livestock or caring for an animal like this. 

“Fine. Grab a torch and let’s go.”

Martin obliged, and soon they were on their way down the gravel drive, luring their new bovine friend along behind them with a half-eaten book laden with cow slobber. They wandered along until they found an entrance to the nearest pasture, then opened the sturdy gate and chucked the book inside, watching the cow trot after it to continue contentedly munching away on it. They slammed the gate shut and locked it tight to prevent the cow from following them home. 

“Well, that was an adventure,” Jon laughed. He and Martin stood by the gate for a few moments, and then, just as they were about to leave, they had a realization. 

“If the cow came from this pasture, the gate probably would still be open a bit, right?”

“I mean, it was your idea to just pick a random pasture,” Jon pointed out.

“True, but it would have made sense for it to be the closest one, right?”

“Martin, this… this is a _cow_ pasture, isn’t it?”

Martin didn’t even have time to shine the light around to examine what kind of livestock they’d discovered before an angry cry sounded.

“Hey! What do you two think you’re doing?”

Illuminated by another light source, a farmer came trudging toward them, pushing sheep aside as he demanded an explanation from these two human intruders and the strange cow now amongst his flock.

Jon and Martin glanced at each other. How would they possibly explain this?

Martin provided the answer. 

“Cheese it!” He yelled, and the two of them sprinted away as fast as they could, back down the lane and into the safehouse, slamming the door behind them. 

Once they were safely locked away and regained their breath, they broke down laughing. They both slid to the floor as unrestrained laughter erupted from them, doubled over with aching stomachs and tears of joy pouring from their eyes. 

“A few days ago, could you imagine that we’d become cow wranglers?” Martin asked as their laughter subsided somewhat.

“No, not at all,” Jon replied, wiping his face. “I don’t think even the Beholding would let me see this; it’s just too ridiculous.”

Jon stood a moment later and extended a hand to help Martin up from the ground. “We should probably clean up and try to get some rest.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, my adrenaline is still firing on all cylinders,” Martin joked as he accepted Jon’s help and stood beside him. “But I suppose you’re right. We should get a _moo_ ve on.”

“ _Martin_ ,” Jon exclaimed, half insulted at the pun and half already breaking into another laughing fit. 

“This whole thing is _udder_ ly unbelievable, isn’t it?”

“No, no, we are _not_ doing cow puns.”

“It’s too late!” Martin said with a grin. “It be _hooves_ you to just accept it! I’m _milk_ ing this for all it’s worth!”

Jon groaned, but couldn’t stop smiling. They’d gone through hell together, but it was all worth it for each moment like this. 

“Come along, Martin. It’s _pasture_ bedtime.”

Martin’s eyes widened and shone with glee. 

“Now you’re getting the hang of it!”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed! It's the law as someone from the US's Dairyland to write a bunch of cow related things lol  
> Anyway, if you want to find more of my writing or learn about my original work, head on over to kellanswritingblog.tumblr.com, or come chat on my personal, celsidebottom.tumblr.com! <3


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